By Bisi Adeleye-Fayemi
Joe: Oga Steven good morning. How una dey?
Steven: I dey well well, thank you Oga Joseph. How family?
Joe: Heh, we de manage jare. (Picking up a newspaper). ‘NDDC Interim MD Collapses at National Assembly Hearings’
Benson: Yeepa! Come see cunny man o! Sebi him talk say the money wey dem chop na for dem to take care of demselves, make COVID-19 no kee dem. How come he de faint now?
Moses: (Flipping through another newspaper). No mind am. Selfish and yeye people. I done taya sef. You go dey talk bulabula say you don chop billions, whey dem suppose to use do road, do water, do school, do light. Now dem dey ask you question, you come de form faint faint. Thunder go fire him head.
Joe: What if na true true him faint? Se person de play with faint ni?
Benson: Na lie jo, which kind faint be dat? Dem put hand for him mouth, his hand still dey move. Person wey faint true true no go fit lift anytin
Steven: Benson, you don become Dr now abi? (Everyone laughs)
Joe: (Reading from paper) Minister Appears Before NASS Committee, Accuses Them of Being Beneficiaries of NDDC Contracts.
Moses: That one na Level 1 Nollywood drama o! De one wey me I like na when de Honourable Madam dey ask Minister who dem give contract to, say she no de among. The Chairman come tap Honourable Madam make she leave matter for Mathias!
Steven: Poor madam. She no know say House member get levels. Na so some go de talk big big grammar, look for bill to pass, go de do monitoring up and down, de ones wey own de House gangan go just de chop clean mouth.
Benson: I sure say dem no call Auntie when they dey do the sharing. People no de call women for dat kind matter, na so so accountability dem go de shout.
Joe: Hear yourself, you de alright so? No be de kain leaders we need be dat? If na women go do am better, make we get them boku pass dis now. We men, our thief thief dey too much.
Moses (Still flipping through his paper) Which kain talk be dat? So women no dey steal? No be ordinary woman chop oil money sotey, she come disappear, we no see her tailight again? Abeg, men and women na fifty-fifty no cheating. E be like say dem cheat that Honorable Madam sha! (Everyone laughs) Haba, see this one, ‘Minister Told To Turn Off His Microphone At NASS Hearings’. Yeepa, Minister wan kobalise dem o! How come? Why dem no want make he talk?
Steven: Sebi dem know say na true him talk. Who dey collect all those big big contracts. Dem no de even mention millions again. Na billions, billions. Small time now when you ask dem how come, dem go dey tell you say woman wey get four husbands no fit talk anyhow. Wetin concern us wid dat one? Whey our money dey, na de koko question be dat. If I ask una Geography question, no come bring Biology answer for me.
Benson: ‘Minister Given 48 Hours To Provide Names Of NASS Members Who Received Contracts.’ For where? Who dem dey deceive? Dem name no go dey the contract lailai, no be dem brothers and girl-friends de do the contracts for dem?
Moses: (Nodding) Abi o. No mind them. ‘Hear this one o, ‘US9.8m Found In Home Of Former NNPC Senior Officer Was Gift From Friends!’ Haba! How come I no get friend wey go dash me N1 million, not to talk US1 million?
Benson: Listen to yaself. Na dat one pain you, or de money we dem suppose take do development, na so dem dey share am like sweet? We no go address de issue, we go dey talk say de money dem steal no reach our hand, make we chop our own. Naija we hail thee! We go de alright las las.
Steven: Na true you talk o! How tins come be like dis now?
Moses: Naija no fit change till we de people change. Pikin wey no get work go de drive Bentley up and down, go dey buy house for Banana Island, carry babes upandan, we go de hail am. Hushpuppy plenty all over, na de one wey dem catch we know.
Steven: No mind them. Lazy people. Na so de girls go de buy big house, big car, put for Instagram, ‘Small girl, big God’. Which kain God be dat?
Benson: Steven, mind yaself o! Na you sabi de God wey you de serve, everyone get their own God o! (Everyone laughs)
Moses: ‘Ekiti State Governor Tests Positive For COVID-19’. Eeeyah. Dat fine man wey get gap-tooth. Make God heal am o! (Everyone says Amen).
Steven: Dis COVID-19 self, the matter never settle finish. Na so the number come de plenty every day. A beg, make we all be careful o. Dis one no know big person or small person. (Everyone nods in agreement)
Moses: All de people wey de chop billions billions, and all of una wey we dey chop penny penny, na same six feet de wait for all of us. Vanity upon vanity.
Joe: ‘Big Brother Naija Season 5 Begins.’ Amadioha thunder all these demonic people. Agents of Satan.
Moses: Oga Joe, haba, that one too much na. Which one be Amadioha for dis matter? Dem hold ya hand make una no change remote control? Wetin concern you for small boys and girls whey wan catch fun and blow for life?
Benson: So na dem naked bodi dem go take blow? Dis one join put all de problem wey we get right now. Young people wey no wan work, stay put for one big house, de chop free food, free booze for three good months, dey allow to chop de oda tin put in front of everybody. What kain life is dat?
Steven: Una get work give the young people? Abeg leave dem jare. Dem no steal, dem no do Yahoo plus, na act dem dey act. Na so some of dem go comot de place, get better tin like endorsement, Nollywood go de look for dem. De ones way serious go make am. That one better pass Hushpuppy tins.
Joe: ‘Police Officer Humiliates Young Woman Caught with Armed Robber’. I see dis video for Facebook. De Police officer get case, make dem deal with am. The tin wey he do for dat girl no good at all. Haba! He dey ask her question about who disvirgin am. Wetin concern him? These police self, we need police to protect us from police’
All the others: Amen!
Pedro (Owner of the newstand): Guys, una well done o. How many you go buy, abi na only free reading today?
The guys: (Laughing) No, we go buy. (They all buy one newspaper each).
Moses: I fit read di paper for my phone, but I no wan miss my morning jist with all of una. See you tomorrow.
The guys: Yes o, till tomorrow.
*Adeleye-Fayemi, a Gender Specialist, Social Entrepreneur and Writer, is the Founder of Abovewhispers.com, an online community for women and the First Lady of Ekiti State, and can be reached at BAF@abovewhispers.com